I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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