So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
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I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
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I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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