The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
