I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Randomize
