I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
