i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
