I wish my penis had an off switch
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
