What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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