Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize