So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
