So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
as a side note pls kill me
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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