Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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