I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
i will never coherently bang her
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
