What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
