I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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