She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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