I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
My feet surprised me
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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