Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Randomize
