apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
