I wish my penis had an off switch
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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