Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
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Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
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Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
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