Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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