in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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