My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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