Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
