so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
