HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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