I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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