If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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