They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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