Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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