Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
