I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
