If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
