We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
