When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
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