I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
