I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
