He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
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