if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
May the power of my ass compel you!!
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
