Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
