I don't usually arrange sex via text message
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
