i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?