When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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