and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party