Texts From Last Night

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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)

  (512): View more from Texas

  Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.

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  (504): if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever) (512): Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them. http://tfl.nu/9n19
  Replies (3) Good night (1099) Bad night (496)
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.

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  (651): the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction. http://tfl.nu/x0dk
  Replies (35) Good night (3193) Bad night (1578)
• Favorite

  (310): View more from California

  Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....

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  (310): Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google.... http://tfl.nu/f2r9
  Replies (16) Good night (5426) Bad night (1191)
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  (251): View more from Alabama

  The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!

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  (251): The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?! http://tfl.nu/t0yf
  Replies (9) Good night (1439) Bad night (3047)
• Favorite

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like

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  (781): I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like http://tfl.nu/tc65
  Replies (6) Good night (3328) Bad night (951)
• Favorite

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I'm pregnant just thinking about him.

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  (412): I'm pregnant just thinking about him. http://tfl.nu/pqtq
  Replies (34) Good night (3293) Bad night (4319)
• Favorite

  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.

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  (608): It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table. http://tfl.nu/47ew
  Replies (10) Good night (3586) Bad night (1158)
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever

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  (205): btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever http://tfl.nu/nic9
  Replies (11) Good night (2388) Bad night (1731)
• Favorite

  (615): View more from Tennessee

  You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.

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  (615): You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible. http://tfl.nu/1rrn
  Replies (16) Good night (3418) Bad night (841)
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  (210): View more from Texas

  I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.

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  (210): I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high. http://tfl.nu/oo1s
  Replies (16) Good night (3126) Bad night (975)
• Favorite

  (740): View more from Ohio

  Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.

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  (740): Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow. http://tfl.nu/oilf
  Replies (11) Good night (1420) Bad night (1080)
• Favorite

  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.

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  (832): You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life. http://tfl.nu/rg4t
  Replies (3) Good night (1135) Bad night (507)
• Favorite

  (602): View more from Arizona

  This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...

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  (602): This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today... http://tfl.nu/mxzm
  Replies (3) Good night (1402) Bad night (497)
• Favorite

  (239): View more from Florida

  I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems

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  (239): I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems http://tfl.nu/p6dg
  Replies (8) Good night (632) Bad night (322)
• Favorite

  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.

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  (717): I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve. http://tfl.nu/zwzg
  Replies (3) Good night (441) Bad night (180)

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