Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.