i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
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