I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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