Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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