remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize
