i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
