Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I faked an abortion last night.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
