I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
