I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize