He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
