I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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