So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
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